Chandler Turns 7!

My little boy...my BABY boy...he keeps growing up on me! OK, so he's hardly a baby, and he's not even my baby boy anymore seeing as I do actually have a baby that's a boy right now... and it's not Chandler! But, I'm a mother & my children will forever be my "babies", it doesn't matter how old they are...they will always be my BABIES! It's how I'm moving on and learning to cope with the fact that my womb will never again host another little White...I'll just call my growing children my infants forevermore. Thank you for understanding ...we can move on now. I'll see a counselor later...thank you for your concern.

So, last Saturday was  my boy's birthday & he enjoyed every moment of his big day. He went to the pool (of course!) in the early afternoon, while mama and baby Judah stayed at home to get ready for the party (poor mama couldn't swim because of the stupid thumb that was all bandaged...but that's another story!). I was feeling pretty sad because I had to miss out on the pool, but I was even more sad that I couldn't make him the Buzz Lightyear cake he had asked for (again....stupid thumb!). A lesser woman more reasonable woman would have just admitted she was defeated and ordered a cake from a bakery...but not this lunatic Mama! No! I wasn't about to force my baby to eat one of those gross, dried out, disgusting hunks of store-bought misery slathered in colored grease, or worse... flavorless "whipped topping". If I couldn't make him the Buzz Lightyear cake, then I was at least gonna make him Buzz Lightyear cupcakes...dang it! Yes....that prospect had it's challenges too, but  that's how I roll. ;-).

All in all, I think the party was a big hit & "yes" I did indeed figure out a way to make and frost 42 cupcakes without the use of my right thumb!  I even found the energy to pull things together right before all the guests arrived! WooHoo! This was not me at my best that's for sure, but all I cared about was seeing my little boy smile at the end of the day. When I finally put the finishing touches on everything, I realized everything was gonna be OK, even without the silly cake! In the end it didn't even matter because this little boy was in Toy Story HEAVEN!

And he SMILED all night because he got this:

 (Because his mom and dad are the best!)....

Oh...and this (because Grandma and Grandpa Earle love him lots!)...

And these (Because his Aunt Brandi, Uncle D, and his cousins are the coolest!)....

And this (as well as Toy Story 2!) to watch for later (Because Aunt Tricia, Uncle Jer & Zion love him too) !

Yep...he had a lot of reasons to smile all night!

His Mom didn't even say anything when all he ate for dinner was this!

And later on...this!

How could I say anything when he looked this cute all night?

"Happy Birthday", Baby! I sure do love you!

The things you never anticipate.

Back in 1996 when I was just 17 years old I had a huge crush on a cute 22 year old guy. At the time all I could think about was how much I loved being around him. I didn't think he would ever be "into" me seeing as our age difference at the time made the possibility of us ever getting together seem pretty slim. However, as you well know, we DID get together! When I found myself falling in love with Jon there were a few things I knew for sure that I loved about this man: 1) I LOVED the way he made me laugh, 2) I LOVED his bright blue eyes, 3) I LOVED his honesty & his passion for being "real" with everyone, 4) I LOVED his musical talent! I thought it was the sexiest thing in the whole world when he would sing and play his guitar for me, 5) I LOVED how he made me feel special ever time we were together. Those were the things that made me say "YES" that beautiful autumn afternoon when he purposed to me. However, what I didn't know back then was that the things that I initially fell in love with would eventually take a back seat to the reason I am still in love with this man today! :-)

Sometimes the most beautiful moments in life are the ones you never anticipate. I'll never forget the first time I saw Jonathan hold our first little newborn. I expected him to be stiff and unsure of how to handle our wee little one, but my heart melted when I woke up in my hospital bed to find my husband snuggling his little baby in the rocking chair like it was second nature to him. I sure never expected to see him dive right into fatherhood like he had been doing this his whole life, but that's just what he did! He has always been a "hands on" daddy, and from day one he was changing diapers & feeding and burping babies like nobody's business! Sure, there were lots of things that he asked me to "teach" him, but he has never tried to get out of any of the grunt work of raising our kids.Talk about sexy! Once Jonathan became a father it was like I had discovered a whole new level of love for him. Once we had kids he went from being my friend and lover to my true "companion".

I'm sure to a lot of people it seems like Jonathan don't have a whole lot in common since our interests are about as different as can be. I'm fairly sure I'll NEVER play any sort of musical instrument (other than the radio!), and I'd be willing to place bets on the highly UN-likely possibility of Jon ever running a marathon with me. But, those are just the little things in life that we admire about each other. I stand in awe of his talents, and he has told me on many occasions how proud he is of my running achievements...but those things are not the glue that bonds us. If we had to rely on what we have in common we'd have been done for a long time ago. Nope,  if I'd have to say what the #1 thing is that keeps us interested in each other I'd say it's the way we continue find new things to love about each other. 14+ years ago I had a crush on a boy with pretty blue eyes, awesome guitar talent, and a cute butt! Today I'm madly in love with a sweet guy that still has awesome guitar skills and a cute butt...but what I'm really in love with is the way he still tells me I'm beautiful every single day (yes, even after 4 babies he still tells me this!), and the way he LOVES our 4 babies more than life itself! 10+ years ago when we said our wedding vows I had NO IDEA that I'd be so in love with Jonathan for the reasons I am today, but isn't that the best part of surprises?

Happy Father's Day Jonathan! Love you!!

The Wedding Weekend!

Last weekend Jonathan and I had the RARE opportunity to spend a little time together without 4 little children in tow. Jonathan's friend from work was getting married and Jonathan sang a solo at the wedding which meant we had to attend the rehearsal on Friday & then the wedding on Saturday. The wedding was about an hour and a half away, so we thought it would be easier if the kids just spent the night at grandma and grandpa's to cut down on travel time for the weekend.

It's been a long time since Jon or I were any part of a wedding & I had forgotten about all the little details that go into such a special event. However, I have to say this was one of the most relaxed and easy going couples I have ever had the pleasure of being with. From all appearances, this bride and groom were able to do something that I think a lot of engaged couples struggle to do.....relax! The rehearsal went smoothly & the dinner afterwards was a blast! In typical fashion, my husband made an unlikely connection (sing it with me! "it's a small world after all....." ) with the bride's brother-in-law & I think a new business partnership may have been forged-LOL! It's a long story, but those two meeting made for one of the funniest moments of the night! Well, that and when Jonathan and I told the whole wedding party the story about the time Jon almost killed my parents dog when he kicked it in the head (accidentally) with a croquet ball. They all laughed hysterically when we got to the part of the story about the dog wetting himself every time he saw or heard Jon enter the room from that day on. That's a good story.....always a crowd pleaser! Hehe!

Long story short, it was a beautiful wedding weekend! It was so much fun to witness two people unite their hearts and lives in a fresh new union. I love new beginnings, new love, and fresh starts! It always gives me such a sense of hope to see that two people found love & fully embraced it because they believed in one another.  It's a beautiful thing to behold  & I have to admit it made me a little misty eyed to witness such a lovely union!

After the wedding ceremony the reception was outdoors, and even the thick humidity and mud puddles from the mornings rainstorm didn't put a damper on the fun! We ate, we drank, we danced.....oh, it's been such a long time since I danced that much! My husband isn't much for dancing, but about halfway through the night the groom's brother came and asked Jon if he could dance with me (we think he needed a "safe" dance partner because he was being followed by a decidedly "tipsy" female out on the dance floor-ha!) & then before we knew it Jon was out on the dance floor too. By the end of the night I was drenched with sweat & ready to throw myself in the swimming pool at the clubhouse, but I resisted figuring my new dress may not serve as a very good swim suit!

One the drive home Jon and kept talking about what a wonderful weekend we had just enjoyed & how we can't remember the last time we laughed that much. We actually slept in for once & had more than one conversation go uninterrupted....amazing what that will do for a couple! Now, if we could just find some more friends who are getting married......... ;-)

I LOVE old Churches! So beautiful!

David and his brother.

Jon and his new best friend! Ha!!

Beautiful reception!

Aww, the first dance. :-)

I've been thinking....

*I wrote this post MONTHS ago & for some reason felt like I shouldn't post it. BUT...I never wanted to delete it either! So, today I decided to post it in the hope that if anyone else out there ever thinks some of these things then at least you know you are not alone! ;-)


I do that sometimes... shocking, I know. I've had several weeks with all 4 kids at home all day & you know what...they are NOT driving me crazy! Not yet.....  Oh, sure the noise level has reached it's maxim potential a time or two & I hollered at them to "pipe down", but I've never felt like I was ready for my whole crew to go back to school all day. I guess I've just really missed them. How that is even possible to find such peace in my tiny, cramped home is beyond me, but it's true!  I've been soaking up their little voices all day, especially Maya's voice, it's haunts me when I sleep... I love it so much!  I also love the way they are all so different & unique in the way that they talk, play, sleep, wake, and think. How I got 4 completely different personalities & all 4 of them came from ME (and Jon...he had a little somethin' somethin' to do with the creation of this little kiddos, but I digress.) is astonishing! I can't get enough of them right now.

Maybe it's just all the syrupy nostalgia of the holidays still clinging to me because I love Christmas so much, but I'd like to think it's more than that. I'd like to think that I'm finally embracing this whole "mother of four" thing a little bit too.  To be honest I was scared to death when I found out I was having a 4th kiddo! I never felt like I managed the three that I had very well & I was sure all my senses were going to go careening off the edge of some cliff if I added one more bumpkin to the mix. Well, I think I did lose my mind there for a little bit (who am I kidding...I permanantly lost 1/2 of it!), but I'm starting to re-gain a few of the brain cells I  killed off  due to sleep-deprivation and caffeine dependence. I struggled pretty heavily in those early Judah days & what I'm finding as the blanket of foggy, groggy-ness slowly lifts is a mama that loves what she does!

 I'm not perfect & neither are my children, or my house. I don't love the messes 4 kids can create every 2.7 seconds & the 16 loads of laundry I face every week drive me nutty! However, I'm finally beginning to to let some of that go. It really doesn't matter after all!  I'll never be able to control some of those things, so I've given myself permission to let go of what I can't always control. For example: Chandler kicked his teacher at school a few weeks ago & while I was not happy with what he did,  I did not let that incident effect the way I feel about myself. I was able to say to myself; "you are still a good parent & you are doing a good job raising this kid...even though he just did something that was very wrong". It's hard to do...trust me! When our kids mess up we somehow see that as a direct reflection on US! But....that's not healthy & I refuse to take all of that on myself. When my kids argue and bicker, or make messes and don't clean them up I can't always beat myself up for that! I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I've done what I needed to do to teach & instruct them otherwise, but they are no different than you and I! We mess up. We don't always do what we know we should do or could do & I believe that's a little thing called "free will"...or sometimes we could even call it "sin"-ha!  I'm a little late on this getting this memo, but I've just begun to realize that my kids are individuals! They are not little extensions of me! They are as different as night and day & that was by design. It's like God was making a point to show me, quite litterally, that my kids ARE NOT ME! No, seriously....I'm just now getting that! (*I told you I was late getting that memo!)

All this pondering also got me thinking a lot about salvation. As far as I know none of my 4 children has come to what I would call a "deep and meaningful" understanding of salvation. Oh, sure...we have told them about Jesus & how much He loves them & how He sent His one and only son to die on the cross for their sins. We read Bible stories with them, and we even let G-ma White take them to vacation Bible school every summer. We also went to traditional Churches when they were younger that taught those things in Sunday School too. But,  none of them have specifically and purposely asked deeper questions regarding salvation. You know what? I'm OK with that! I realize if I was a good Baptist I'd be fuh-reeeked out about the fact that my 4 year old is not saved yet, but I'm at peace with this for now. Jonathan and I have talked about this & we both decided that we want our children to OWN their salvation, not just adopt it from us. We don't want to force an experience on them at this young age that they may not even grasp for years to come. We want to feed and encourage them in the love of God & speak the truth to them with our words and our actions, but I'm not a big fan of "salvation by six" any longer.We want to give them the truth and let them ask the questions. Salvation is something that I take very seriously & I don't want to force my kids into it with scare tactics or undue pressure that they are somehow not "one of us" until become a believer.

 I almost feel like it's better if my children begin to really understand that they are individuals first....set apart from mom and dad....and they have the free will to embrace the truth of God's word on their own. I grew up always feeling like I just "married into" Christianity. It was the belief of "my family" therefore I just sort of fell into the mold as well. I questioned my faith the older I got because I wondered if I really believed it, or if I just mimicked what I saw everyone else around me doing and saying. Turns out I really believed it (whew!)! BUT.....it took a few good years & several fights with myself and God to realize that I didn't just adopt the faith of my parents...it was mine because I truly believed it for myself!

I realize that what I'm saying right now may sound very strange, and almost sacrilege to some of you, but it's more of a personal conviction of mine I guess. I just know I struggled tremendously with feeling like I never really chose my faith. I remember trying to "re-save" myself at several revival events growing up because I was never sure if I "really meant it" or not the first 10 times I tried my hand at the ol' sinners prayer. I just want a different experience for my children. I want them to be filled with the truth & then come to the conclusions that I never got to come to on my own because some preacher told me I was going to Hell that very night if I didn't say some "magic words" that were going to save my soul from eternal damnation! I was scared into my "conversion" . Now that I'm grown I see that I didn't truly put my faith in Christ until much later! I was probably well into my adult years before I really grasped and understood what Jesus was to me, and what He did for me.

I don't know what I'm saying here! I think I just want to put down in words what I was thinking, just in case you ever think some of these things too. Really, all I wanted to say was:  It's OK! It's OK to let your children be individuals. It's OK to let God's word sink into their little souls for YEARS before they finally grasp them for themselves. It's OK if your kids mess up...don't we all? It's OK if the little person(s) you are raising looks, acts, and thinks completely differently than you do-God probably did that on purpose too!

*Oh, and it's also OK if you are not feeling so warm and cozy about the fact that your children are probably going to spend the THIRD week in a row off of school going stir-crazy inside your home! It's also OK if you are not so excited that school was canceled today, because you were making plans for how you were going to spend your day off and now you have to wrangle your whole crew for yet another very long day spent indoors! Truth be told, I was sort of wishing my little drama queen, (Maya) was going to be able to play with her friends at preschool for 4 hours today. Oh, well.....guess we will find yet another good movie to watch while we sit on the couch snuggled under our cozy fleece Christmas snuggies! Praise God for those!

Going To The Pool...4 Little White's style!

Yesterday was our official start to summertime. The kids had a half day of school & we planned our first big pool day following their release from prison the long school year. As luck would have it the sun was shining when I picked them up from school at 11:50, but at 12:15 when everyone had put on their swimsuits the skies turned cloudy. Trying to keep things positive, we still packed up the car and headed out to the swimming hole. As we were driving it got much darker & raindrops began to hit the windshield. Once we arrived at the pool it was looking downright nasty & thunder could  be heard from off in the distance. At that point I had to make the executive decision to turn around & head back home to wait out the storm. The tears began to roll & I was feeling pretty bad that the day seemed to be taking a turn for the worse. This was not the way I wanted to kick off the summer!

Once we got home I let everyone make "indoor smores" and we popped a movie in to pass the time. About 1:45 the cloudy skies parted and full sunshine was once again shining brightly overhead!!! WooHoo!! The kids cheered and grabbed their swim gear & once again we were off for a day of fun in the sun. I think everyone was downright giddy at that point, except for Judah...we had to wake him up from his nap so we could leave...poor baby!

Now, here is what I have to say about taking a 8, 6, 4, and 1 year old to the pool by yourself....IT"S FREAKING HARD! I hope that one day my children will remember that I was giving it my best shot, but I am not an easy and relaxed mama at the pool that's for sure! The truth is, I have 4 children that are all at completely different swimming levels, and that makes taking all of them to the pool by myself a nightmare! Their abilities range from "confidant doggy paddler", to "wild thrasher of water/thinks he has 'swimming' abilities...but he really doesn't", to "don't want your help mama...I can drown on my own", to "if I so much as trip over my own pudgy toes I will sink like a rock in .7 seconds!  My challenges are many & most of the time they are downright frightening, but I press on to give my children what I know they want and need. A lesser woman might curl up in a ball & cry in the corner of her living room, but I'm stupid enough to think I can handle the challenge on my own from time to time. Most of the time things end up in complete and total chaos, but that never seems to stop me-ha! Maybe that's what I hope my kids will remember....at least I tried :-).

So, you could say that yesterday went about as well as a pool outing with 4 children could go. Chandler worked up the nerve to ride the "Rocky Mountain Avalanche" (a 35 foot open tower water slide that you ride in a tube with your friends), and after that he was feeling particularly confident I guess & ended up almost drowning on the Lily Pad obstacle course. Of course, I had no knowledge of the near drowning since I was stuck over at the baby pool with the two little ones running my jiggly cellulite thighs all over the place trying to keep them safe. After the life guard informed me of what happened while I  was no where in sight & the "incident report" was filed I turned around to find Maya crossing her legs in the kiddie pool. Off we ran to the potty, but it was too late as she had already pooped in her suit. Nice! We spent some time cleaning her up and rinsing out her suit with soap and water so we (and by "we" I mean me and Judah) could return to the pool, and once again we were off! Then, when it came time to leave we searched and searched for McKenna, but she was no where to be found! After about 30 minutes of searching we found her & she was actually mad at ME for losing HER! Ummmm........yeah, we will be working on the whole "you need to check in with Mom and let me know where you are at all times" thing. But....you get the picture I think ;-).

That's my life with 4 kids.....all.....summer....long! But, you know what? At the end of the day I still call it "fun", because somewhere in the middle of all the chaos I think we really did have fun! I've come to the conclusion that when it comes to outings with my kids I just have to accept that I am there to WORK and they are there to play. I'm convinced this whole idea of "everyone" getting to relax and enjoy themselves on family outings is purely a marketing scam that we buy into. There really is no such thing as relaxing when you go out with 4 little kids! Maybe I sound bitter, but actually I'm more resigned to that fact. It actually helps me keep things in perspective so that I don't have high hopes that get crushed when something "fun" is actually a whole lot of "work".  If I just tell myself from the get-go that something is actually going to be a lot of work then I get to be pleasantly surprised when I find myself getting to relax a little ;-).

For those of you who don't have kids and think that my description of "fun" sounds completely ridiculous... well, you are sort of right! It is kind of crazy that I have to consider a near drowning, a screaming over-tired baby, a poopy toddler in a wet swim suit, and a missing 8 year old "fun", but you would just have to be me I guess. My kids are what put the color into my dull gray life & without these 4 little ones I wouldn't have very many funny stories to tell, or near as many reasons to smile! :-) The other side to this craziness is that somewhere in the hectic pace that is my reality I realize that I am so blessed to have the life I do....and that makes it ALL worth it!

Maybe if I just start writing again....

...it will feel like I still have a blog! I wish I had a great explanation for my LONG absence from my blog, but I really don't. I used to think like a blogger, carry my little point and shoot camera in my purse everywhere I went, and say things like: "oh....this is going on the blog". However, I hit a rut sinkhole somewhere along the way & I just can't seem to crawl back out of it. I've certainly no shortage of tales to tell! If one thing still remains the same it's the fact that life with 4 little children is NEVER, EVER dull.


*Point-in-case;  My older son was rescued by a teenage life-guard at the pool today when he fell off the lily-pad obstacle and could not swim. To make matters worse, I had no knowledge of this until the pool manager found me some time later & explained to me what had happened so that I could sign the "incident report" that I'm pretty sure said something like "Mrs White had no idea her son almost drowned because she has more freaking children than she can safely manage on her own at the freaking pool". Yes, I am now the Mom that all the other mothers (of one and two children) shake their head in disgust at because I don't always know where all my children are at all times! Sigh.....

Since I last wrote we have had so many good times (mostly with no pictures to share...sad but true.),  and a few bad times (is it OK to admit that I hate the end of the school year more than my kids do?).  I WISH so badly that I wouldn't have lost my blogging mojo when I did, because a few weeks ago when my 4 year old stole some pants off the neighbors clothesline when she wet her pants while playing outside I knew that was a blog-worthy story that needed to be told! Maybe I'll get to that....some day.

So, here is my self-diagnosis for why I quit blogging a few months back....I'm tired! Maybe even a little burned out too. It's been really hard to admit, but I think I'm starting to be able to say it out loud..."I never bargained for baby #4 to be this tough!". At first it seemed like a cinch. He was a sweet baby, he ate, he slept, he pooped. Wash, rinse, repeat...right? Then came the "oh, this baby isn't like his siblings....he doesn't love sleep!" phase. That "phase" is still sort of on-going, only now we are too out of our minds tired to hear him most of the time. So, we just say a little prayer every night that God will protect him while we are sleeping, because we (well, let's be honest here..."I"...) have spent the last 18 months rolling my unconscious body out of bed and crawling across the hall to go take care of "his majesty's" 3 am party whims. I'd like to announce that my "baby" (who is almost 2!) is now sleeping through the night, but that isn't exactly a regular 7 nights/ week sort of thing yet. We're getting close, folks....I'll keep you posted!

I think I'm also feeling like I sort of lost my way with this whole blog thing. At first I just posted pictures of the kids. Then I expanded it a little more and included a few little bits about me, what's on my mind, things that I love, etc. After that I wrote out a few recipes, and talked a little more about my faith, and the non-sugary sweet details of my everyday life. That's where things got a little weird. You see, I rarely have people comment, so it's always hard to know if the people who are reading what a wrote are able to accurately translate what I am really feeling, or meaning to say. For instance, sometimes I think I'm posting something sarcastic/funny, but no one comments & then a week or so later my friend/neighbor/family member will say "Is everything OK??....We read your blog last week & you sounded so hurt/depressed/blah/blah/blah". Then I have all this elaborate explaining to do &  I have to reassure them that I'm just a really bad comedian. Other times I'll write something that I think is just simple, honest, and from the heart, and I'll  have a bunch of people say "wow.....I can't believe you shared that....that was really bold/brave of you" & then I kinda wonder if maybe I shouldn't be quite so honest in cyber-space. The jury is still out on that one ;-)!

So, there you have it! I'm still an over-tired, stressed out, mess of a mom, that still can't decide which direction to take her simple little family blog!  I guess I'm not much of a Wonder Woman after all!  I like to keep trying though, and that's what counts!   Oh, and my camera is on the fritz & it's taking all sorts of crappy/blurry shots (it's been dropped A LOT over the past 4 years!), so that has really done a number on my blogging enthusiasm. I mean, if I'm going to take the time to write about how I saved my baby's life when he was choking on a quarter (*life-saving CPR classes....take one!) then damn it...you need a gross picture of the dislodged quarter for your viewing pleasure! Really, the story just wouldn't have the same gusto without that image-ha!



*If anyone still reads this sad little blog...thank you! It's always fun to share stories from my chaotic little corner of the world.  ;-).

When the house is quiet....

...be afraid! Be VERY afraid! Or....just laugh really hard!

"Shh...be quiet, Judah...Mom might find us...here take a bite and keep your trap shut"

"OK...OK...man, you are gonna eat all of this before I can even take a bite!"

"Hey, sis... do you think Mom will be able to tell that we got into the pudding? "

"You better give me another bite real quick before she comes in and finds out that we are making a big mess and eating the older kids lunch stuff."

"Hand me that foil lid and I'll try to 'clean up' the evidence"

"Aww, man...she caught us! Now, act real cute! Maybe she won't be mad if we look really cute." 

"Oh...oh....or try to show her what a good job you are doing by feeding yourself! She loves it when I do that! See how cute and innocent I am, Mom? Now, how can you be mad about that?"

No, I didn't fall into a black hole!

I promise! But....I have been in a bit of a blogging funk that I can't seem to shake. It happens when you've had a blog this long. You feel like you've kinda run out of things to say & then when you have the frustration of an old camera & a computer that screws things up royally...well, it kind of creates a perfect recipe for "black hole syndrome".  Yep, it happens...but I'm trying to climb out of it now & move on.

I've got a lot to catch up on & we will see how far I get between kids naps and the 10 loads of laundry I need to catch up on. Yes....I almost always have 10 loads of laundry...sorry you have to hear about that so much!

Right now I'm trying to focus on getting ready for my first 1/2 marathon of the year. It should be fun! I'm taking a mini road trip with some running girlfriends this weekend & we should have a great time. I've been kinda sick this week, so I'm not going to expect great things from this race, but it will be nice to get back into the running groove again.

My random stream-of-consciousness thoughts for today.

I'm tired. So, very, very tired. I'm tired of puke & diarrhea. I'm tired of washing sheets, and blankets, and towels, and PJ's, and then having to wash everything all over again. I'm so tired of being tired. I can't seem to remember what normal feels like anymore. I have a clingy, whiny baby that cries all day & wants to be held non-stop & because of this I get nothing done. Nothing! Why won't this kid sleep?? He is not a lover of sleep...but that is mostly my fault....it's my genes...he comes by that one honestly. I'm trying to be patient with this phase, really I am. I know that this time will pass all too quickly & one day I'll be saying "I miss those days when my baby wanted me to hold him all the time". So....I hold him & I sit at the computer and type blog posts while he sits on my lap and bangs the keyboard with his bottle. It's what I do to feel productive when I know I can't really do much that is actually productive.

My house is cluttered. I don't do well with clutter. I hate clutter. It drives me to the brink of insanity & then somewhere in my mind I come to the conclusion that the only way to solve my clutter problem is to burn the house down and start all over. Brilliant...right? I'm the problem solver in the family. It's a gift.

I ate pizza and Mountain Dew for lunch yesterday and today.  I also made the Pioneer Woman apple dumplings last night...they were wonderful, and fattening, and horribly, disgustingly bad for me...and I ate them anyway. It's part of the healthy eating plan I've been on. Did I not mention that? Yeah, I've been trying to eat much, much healthier this year & I've lost....nothing! Nothing...that's encouraging, isn't it? So, when my entire house came down with this wicked flu, I said "screw it" and went on a shopping trip that included fruits & veggies for my husband, juice and crackers for the sickies, and pop-tarts, and apple dumpling ingredients for myself.....because I'm eating healthy this year.

I want to move. I want to move so bad. If I could loathe this city any more it would be a sin, so I just try to despise it with all my heart most of the time. There is just something about this city. It's like, this is where people come to die. People who were formerly happy somewhere else come here...and then they die. It's a charming city like that. It's puts us right there on the map with those cozy little New England ski villages, and the sunny, fun-loving west coast towns where a "bad" day is one where it's cloudy for a few hours. Yeah, so come visit KC...where people come to kill their dreams! I don't think the city will post that on the welcome signs, but they might as well. I'm grumpy. And I want to move...but I think I already mentioned that.

I think I need some sun. And maybe a nice long run to go with that sunshine. Sleep probably wouldn't hurt either. If I got everything I wanted I might also ask for a WHOLE weekend away with my husband, instead of just the 20 hours we got to celebrate our 10 anniversary. Most people go on cruises, or take a nice vacation for such and occasion.  However, when you have 4 kids people think your asking for too much if you ask for 2 hours, so we really had it good when we got 20 hours!. I want to rip people a new one when they complain about "only" getting a weekend away with their husband. "Only"....really? I can't even go out on a date with my husband without the grandparents asking "so how long do you think this is gonna take".

  I just realized that every single last thing in this "stream-of-consciousness" post is negative. Yep. I'm not feeling ubber positive today, and I'm OK with that. I can't blow sunshine out my woo hoo all the time, that would get on my nerves real quick.  I promise I'll try a little harder to highlight a positive thing or two the next time I do one of these. I did sign up for a race the other day, so as soon as I can return to civilization with my germy kids I'm going to get back to the gym & run my little heart out. I'd say "run my butt off", but I think I already mentioned how well the weight loss efforts have been working out for me so far.

Well, two kids just pooped in their underwear at this VERY moment. No, I'm not kidding........gotta go!

Maya goes to the ER.

We knew the day would come. We knew it from the moment she was just 7 months old and pulled herself up to standing just so she could get at her older brother and pull his hair. We knew this day was coming! To be honest, I can't believe Maya survived over 4 years before her and her brother came to this place! But, it finally happened last weekend. After a wild game of  "Ninja Warriors",  Maya finally learned that her older brother that outweighs her by more than 20 pounds, and towers over her by almost a foot, is in fact, stronger than her! Really, I'm not sure that she got that message before last weekend! However, after just one calculated  mighty ninja shove/kick from her much older, much stronger brother, she got the message!

I wasn't in the room (because I was trying to get ready for our Valentine's date night that never happened), but I heard the dull "thump" when her head hit the dining room chair. To be honest, I didn't think much of it at first because this is a daily ritual that Maya and Chandler go through. The crying ensued, & I began to lecture on the many valid reasons why "we don't ninja thump kick our siblings". I then tried to send Maya to the couch to watch her  favorite "babysitter" Barbie Fairytopia  DVD (so I could finish getting ready), but as I turned to walk away I heard McKenna gasp & Maya say "Uh-oh....it's a lot of blood!".

It was at that moment in time when I learned two very important things: 1) Head wounds bleed A LOT, and 2) When you have 4 small children it's always a good idea to keep first aid supplies replenished.  With no gauze, peroxide, or other important first aid supplies handy, I just scooped her up and ran to the bathtub.  I quickly got her undressed and into the tub so that I could rinse all the blood out of her hair & try to find the source of all the bleeding. The tub water instantly turned pink from all the blood & I was sure I was going to find a much larger gash than what I actually discovered. When we got the bleeding to slow down I discovered that the wound was smaller than I had anticipated (did I mention that head wounds bleed A LOT!). At first I thought "oh, good...maybe we won't need stitches after all", but after waiting several hours in vain for the bleeding to stop for good,  we gave up and decided that little miss had just earned herself her first trip to the ER!

I'll stop my story there, because the rest is just boring & involves 6 freaking hours of  losing my mind with a restless 4 year old who was climbing all over the germ-filled floors of the ER waiting. Yes, we waited for 6 hours in the ER for 3 small stitches! Can't wait to get my $1000 bill for that! However, I think after this last ER experience I'm going to start a facebook fan page called "I think you should get a huge discount on your ER bill if you have to wait 6 hours to be seen!". I'm pretty sure I'll get 1 million fans overnight!


Here are some pictures of our ER adventure!

Just chillin'. Watching a little National Geographic channel, followed by the late night edition of the winter Olympics. We caught the whole thing since we were there for 6 hours (did I already mention that?)!

The nurse wrapped this gauze around her head to keep the numbing gel in place, & because Maya was freaking out every time she turned over on her pillow and got blood on the pillow case. Once she was all numb she fell right to sleep. Poor baby!

After the traumatic stitches were through! She woke up as soon as the Dr. started the stitches & it took three adults to hold her down! Not a fun thing to wake up to I'm sure!

Look....she's still my baby!

WARNING! Head wound picture!

(It's really not bad at all...but some people have a weak stomach!)

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See.... just a tiny little 1/2 inch gash. Could have been worse!

Washed By The Water

Washed By The Water

by NeedToBreathe, Album: The Heat

Daddy was a preacher
She was his wife
Just tryin to make the world a little better
You know, shine a light
People started talking
Trying to hear their own voice
Those people tried to accuse my father
Said he made the wrong choice
Though it might be painful
You know that time will always tell
Those people have long since gone
My father never failed

Even when the rain falls
Even when the floods start rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Even when the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even when the ones I love turn around and crucify me
I won't never ever let you down
I won't fall
I won't fall
I won't fall as long as you're around me

Even when the rain falls
Even when the floods start rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

*So, here is the story....I kinda love this song!  It speaks something to my soul that stirs so much emotion in me that I can't help but throw my hands up in the air & sing right along with it! Because, you know what?  Even when the rain falls... even when the floods start rising...even when the storm comes... I am washed by the water!  Amen!! 

I love that something as simple as a song on the radio can be God's way of saying to me "I see you, Amber".  The truth of the matter is this: My Daddy was a preacher & I know JUST what the author of this song is talking about. My family and I have in fact, "been crucified by the ones we love" .  It was horrific & nothing but evil! But...you know what? I'm still here! I'm still here, and I still believe with all my heart that God is good.  What my family lived through during those years "in the ministry" was nothing short of  pure Hell. On. Earth.   There is no other way to describe watching in horror as "Church Leaders" show up at your house on a sunny Saturday afternoon to "remove" your father from his ministry position in the Church  because some ugly lie was spread about him & it infected the whole congregation. All I saw from that scenario was that Christian "leaders" do and say some of the most awful, hurtful things to their very own!  The things I saw fellow Christians say and do....they were things that should NEVER be said or done! It was sad...it was heart wrenching...it was wrong, and it separated the lives and friendships of so many wonderful people who should have never been separated.  It's very hard for me to recall much of those days with "fond" memories, but thank God I have a few precious gems that made it through that fire! 

That's one of the hardest things I've struggled with throughout my walk with Christ. From the time I was a very little girl I saw the most wicked things done to my family at the hands of  "The Church", which made me not so fond of  "The Church" (or at least what I thought the Church was).  I saw my parents sacrifice so much of their lives for people who betrayed them & threw them out  like yesterday's garbage!  In the end it made me more than just a little bitter. I didn't understand it then, and I still don't understand it now. But, the one thing I do know is this:  What I witnessed during those times of  great sadness and suffering  was not  "The Church" .   That wasn't what Jesus called believers to do. Jesus doesn't hurt like that! Jesus doesn't turn around and crucify you when you don't expect it. Jesus doesn't betray like that!  

That's why I love that the message of this song is that  we can let those "storms" in our lives wash us....cleanse us...change us... uncover the beauty that's hiding under all the layers of pain! When I grew up and left home I had two choices I could make :  #1) Be done with Christians who seemed to do nothing but hurt each other, or #2) Believe that Jesus doesn't hurt like that, and search for that kind of  fellowship. I chose #2!  ;-) Praise God for His faithfulness!

I've decided to come out of the shadows a little, and open up about what is going on inside my head these days.  I've eluded to these thoughts quite a bit, but I don't want to be elusive anymore...I want to come right out and say more of what I'm thinking!  I know I need to be careful in how I portray my point of view though, which is why I have not always laid things out in black and white, and just said what was really on my mind. However, I'm on a quest to be authentic this year in regards to what I post on my blog.  Part of that desire to be "real" (or authentic) stems from my new found passion to seek out Jesus for who he really is...not who I was taught to think He is within the  walls of organized religion. But, let me be clear...this is my journey. What I say is mine & mine alone! I don't think you have to think the same things as me to be "right".  I won't crucify anyone for respectfully disagreeing with me either. There's enough room in this boat for everyone! So, sit back over the next couple of months and talk with me about what's on your mind & what in your heart.  I've got a lot of stuff swirling around in this head of mine & I'm about to let it out...carefully of course!

Balance!

This cute little man has surprised me lately with a special little talent. He doesn't even know he has this "talent" yet. In fact, he may never really know about this unique gift he possesses but it will always be special to me!

You see, Judah has become the great "equalizer" in our family.  He is our Luke Skywalker. The one that brings balance to the force.The last piece to the puzzle. The one that makes us all complete!

He gets right in there with his older siblings without realizing that he is much too little to be doing what they are doing.  It's as if he doesn't even realize that he is still a baby.

He makes sure everyone feels loved!

He is everyone's playmate and friend!

He even let's the older kids have a laugh at his expense!

He sends them off to school feeling loved!

He never forgets to say goodbye!

He even reads them a bedtime story! Yes, this little baby boy is what was missing from our family all along! I don't know how we ever managed without him!

10 years adds a little perspective.

I've been thinking a lot about what I wanted to say for my "10 Year Anniversary" post. However, I came to the conclusion that I don't really have anything profound to say, which is why I've been putting off doing a blog post about it (how's that for honesty?).

The truth is, this last decade has been the biggest, most life-changing, defining time in my entire life. Even if I live to be 100 I don't know if another decade will shape my life as profoundly as these past 10 years have. I mean, I DID get married & have all 4 of my children in the last 10 years, so that was pretty life-changing! I'm sure I have MANY more adventures on the horizon, but probably nothing quite like the first 10 years of my marriage. I'm also not naive enough to believe that I've somehow "arrived" and have things figured out either! I've still got a lifetime of learning to do!

What I do know is this; "Life never slows down or stops, it just ebbs and flows like the oceans tide". That's one of the biggest things I've learned over the last decade. I guess that's not very profound, but it's where I'm at right now.  For the longest time I kept thinking things will get easier when.... but that "when" never came! I learned to make things happen if I really, really wanted them!  I also learned that the things you want to keep, you have to fight for! Nothing is free...ever! Except for the grace of God...but that goes without saying ;-).

 These last 10 years weren't full of happy clouds and joyous singing all the time either! I went through a lot of crap that I'm happy to see gone & I hope and pray that I never have to experience those things ever again! The real truth of the matter is this: I lost a baby due to miscarriage, & that hurt me terribly. I felt the sting of rejection from close friends, and I cried. I walked down a very lonely road of discontentment and depression. I dealt with a very tough learning disability diagnosis in one of my children, and I was angry and frustrated & blamed myself for things that were out of my control.  I felt hurt and disappointed, and I tried to run away from God because I was angry. At my lowest point I even dared to speak the "D" word when my marriage got tough...but those are not the sorts of things that most people talk about are they?

But, you know what? I think we need to talk about those things from time to time. Life isn't easy & it doesn't get any easier. If we go around pretending to be "fantastic" all of the time & don't deal with these sorts of things, then what does that say about us? I could have just told you all that I just celebrated my 10 year anniversary with my wonderful husband who I am crazy in love with & left it at that. It's true too! My husband is wonderful & we are very much in love, so why talk about all the other stuff? Well, I think I'm just trying to keep it real, peeps! Sometimes that's hard to do when you are sitting behind a computer screen & you can create this artificial lens that you want people to see you through. Sometimes, I read what I write on here and think to myself: "Well, that smells a little bit like rosey poo doesn't it?".

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...the one thing I admire most in a person is honesty! So, I guess it would behoove me to keep it real with myself as well! The real truth is, I'm really doing this whole blogging thing for me & my family. The fact that I'm putting it out there for the rest of the world to read just keeps me in line (OK...OK...and it's kinda fun to share some of this stuff with you all!).  If I'm gonna take the time to write out my feelings and talk about my memories, then I better be real about what I'm saying and what I'm feeling!

OK. Enough with all that "keeping it real" crap! I promise I won't put you through that too often ;-) In the spirit of more traditional blog posts, I give you:

My Ten Year, Top 10!

(My 10 reasons why being married this long is awesome! aka "The first 10 things that popped into my head about being married for the last 10 years" )

1.) I no longer feel embarrassed when I "let one loose".  After all the other things my husband has seen me through...that one just doesn't seem to compare anymore.

2.) He finally knows a few of my favorite things!

3.) We really do appreciate the little things more and more.

4.) He can "speak for me"...and most of the time he is right on!

5.) We fight a LOT less than we used to.

6.) "Desperation is the mother of creativity"...and we have become pretty creative people ;-)

7.) He tells me I'm beautiful all the time! Despite the fact that I've had 4 babies, bare the marks of one who has had 4 babies, am reaching "that age" when things start to slide to the south and wrinkle, and I regularly get into cat fights with my jeans. Yes, despite all of that he still tells me I'm beautiful!  

8.) We still like each other! No, really...that's a big one! There are plenty of married folks who don't appear to like each other very much. We still enjoy each other & can't wait to be together every day.

9.) We keep our mouth shut when we are supposed to! You know, not every little thing should be shared with ones mate...and we have finally learned this fine art of common sense communication. It's a thing of beauty, really!

10.) Yes.....it only gets better! (I'll leave the "it" open to interpretation...but I definitely mean one specific thing!)

I Kinda Miss The Snow...

I can't believe I'm saying this, because it's sort of against my religion to say such things...but I miss the snow! Now, don't confuse this with thinking that I'm saying "I love winter", because I don't...that's just crazy talk. BUT...since I don't live on the west coast where it's sunny and warm year round I have to make my peace with "Old Man Winter" every year and just accept that it's gonna be brutally cold for a couple of months.

However, a few weeks back when the ground was blanketed with a beautiful fluffy covering of snow I just had to smile. At least if it was gonna be cold we got something pretty to go with that package! The fact that we also got a "White Christmas" out of the deal was also an extra bonus.  I'm pretty sure we got about a foot of snow, which is not the "norm" for our area, but boy did my kiddos have fun playing in all that fluffy stuff!  While I'm still not a fan of winter I'd have to admit that I do kinda miss looking out my window to view a real winter wonderland. It was pretty while it lasted...

My nephew, Owen,  roaring down the big hill!

Maya and Uncle Evan at the top of the sledding hill.

McKenna waiting in line. Wait a second....where is that child's hat? Someone should really tell her mother to go hunt down her lost hat on that snow packed hill. Goodness sakes...it was 17 degrees! Get a hat on that kid!

Maya was having the time of her life!

Ready to go!

OK....is that just plain cute or what?

*Chandler didn't make it in any of these pictures because he is a summer baby like his momma & he spent the bulk of his sledding time running to the truck to warm up so that he could go back out for another run down the hill. He wanted to like the snow...he really did...it's just not in his blood to really accept that 20 degrees is even remotely acceptable for outdoor playtime! Blame it on his wimp of a momma who stayed in the truck the WHOLE time & just watched everyone else play in the snow ;-).

McKenna and Daddy!

Over the Christmas Break Jonathan took McKenna to work with him for a special "Daddy/ Daughter" day. McKenna had been looking forward to this day for a very long time! I remember doing the same thing with my Dad when I was about her age & I love that McKenna got to do the same. I know she loved it because it was a special time where her daddy got to focus some individual attention on just her (something that's hard for parents with 4 little ones to do very often!). Truth be told, that's really what the day was all about, but I also think McKenna got a little glimpse of what it means for her daddy to be a "provider" for our family too. That night she asked me "So, daddy gets paid when he goes to work and helps other people fix their computers and stuff". Yep....she picked up on that just from spending some quality time with her dad at his work!

I believe kids need to see their parents "in action" sometimes in order to appreciate and develop a good work ethic. It's so sad to me that so many young people in our society are lazy and unmotivated because they have been handed everything without having to go out and work for it to earn it! Jon and I want to give our kids opportunities, don't get me wrong...I just don't want them to think that just because they have been given an opportunity it means they won't have to WORK to keep it. One of the best principles Jon and I learned from our Dave Ramsey course was that WE are the ones that are going to change our family tree! It starts with us & what we teach our children about life, work, and finances. It starts when we show our kids that we work hard for what we have, and that we get rewarded when we stick with something long enough to see it through to the end.

In a world that tempts us with "get rich quick" schemes, and a government that tells us we have a "right" to something we did not work for.... boy do I have my work cut out for me! I want my children to know that the only thing that lasts is that which you work for and EARN! I want them to own their successes & know that it is hard work and wise financial planning that earns them true "financial freedom".  Oh, and I want them to know those principles because that's what they saw their parents live out ;-).

McKenna Working hard on her fashion designs.

Helping daddy with the backup tapes.

McKenna the master sorter ;-)

Out to lunch with Daddy.

The best part of lunch!

What a great day!