I've been thinking....

*I wrote this post MONTHS ago & for some reason felt like I shouldn't post it. BUT...I never wanted to delete it either! So, today I decided to post it in the hope that if anyone else out there ever thinks some of these things then at least you know you are not alone! ;-)


I do that sometimes... shocking, I know. I've had several weeks with all 4 kids at home all day & you know what...they are NOT driving me crazy! Not yet.....  Oh, sure the noise level has reached it's maxim potential a time or two & I hollered at them to "pipe down", but I've never felt like I was ready for my whole crew to go back to school all day. I guess I've just really missed them. How that is even possible to find such peace in my tiny, cramped home is beyond me, but it's true!  I've been soaking up their little voices all day, especially Maya's voice, it's haunts me when I sleep... I love it so much!  I also love the way they are all so different & unique in the way that they talk, play, sleep, wake, and think. How I got 4 completely different personalities & all 4 of them came from ME (and Jon...he had a little somethin' somethin' to do with the creation of this little kiddos, but I digress.) is astonishing! I can't get enough of them right now.

Maybe it's just all the syrupy nostalgia of the holidays still clinging to me because I love Christmas so much, but I'd like to think it's more than that. I'd like to think that I'm finally embracing this whole "mother of four" thing a little bit too.  To be honest I was scared to death when I found out I was having a 4th kiddo! I never felt like I managed the three that I had very well & I was sure all my senses were going to go careening off the edge of some cliff if I added one more bumpkin to the mix. Well, I think I did lose my mind there for a little bit (who am I kidding...I permanantly lost 1/2 of it!), but I'm starting to re-gain a few of the brain cells I  killed off  due to sleep-deprivation and caffeine dependence. I struggled pretty heavily in those early Judah days & what I'm finding as the blanket of foggy, groggy-ness slowly lifts is a mama that loves what she does!

 I'm not perfect & neither are my children, or my house. I don't love the messes 4 kids can create every 2.7 seconds & the 16 loads of laundry I face every week drive me nutty! However, I'm finally beginning to to let some of that go. It really doesn't matter after all!  I'll never be able to control some of those things, so I've given myself permission to let go of what I can't always control. For example: Chandler kicked his teacher at school a few weeks ago & while I was not happy with what he did,  I did not let that incident effect the way I feel about myself. I was able to say to myself; "you are still a good parent & you are doing a good job raising this kid...even though he just did something that was very wrong". It's hard to do...trust me! When our kids mess up we somehow see that as a direct reflection on US! But....that's not healthy & I refuse to take all of that on myself. When my kids argue and bicker, or make messes and don't clean them up I can't always beat myself up for that! I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I've done what I needed to do to teach & instruct them otherwise, but they are no different than you and I! We mess up. We don't always do what we know we should do or could do & I believe that's a little thing called "free will"...or sometimes we could even call it "sin"-ha!  I'm a little late on this getting this memo, but I've just begun to realize that my kids are individuals! They are not little extensions of me! They are as different as night and day & that was by design. It's like God was making a point to show me, quite litterally, that my kids ARE NOT ME! No, seriously....I'm just now getting that! (*I told you I was late getting that memo!)

All this pondering also got me thinking a lot about salvation. As far as I know none of my 4 children has come to what I would call a "deep and meaningful" understanding of salvation. Oh, sure...we have told them about Jesus & how much He loves them & how He sent His one and only son to die on the cross for their sins. We read Bible stories with them, and we even let G-ma White take them to vacation Bible school every summer. We also went to traditional Churches when they were younger that taught those things in Sunday School too. But,  none of them have specifically and purposely asked deeper questions regarding salvation. You know what? I'm OK with that! I realize if I was a good Baptist I'd be fuh-reeeked out about the fact that my 4 year old is not saved yet, but I'm at peace with this for now. Jonathan and I have talked about this & we both decided that we want our children to OWN their salvation, not just adopt it from us. We don't want to force an experience on them at this young age that they may not even grasp for years to come. We want to feed and encourage them in the love of God & speak the truth to them with our words and our actions, but I'm not a big fan of "salvation by six" any longer.We want to give them the truth and let them ask the questions. Salvation is something that I take very seriously & I don't want to force my kids into it with scare tactics or undue pressure that they are somehow not "one of us" until become a believer.

 I almost feel like it's better if my children begin to really understand that they are individuals first....set apart from mom and dad....and they have the free will to embrace the truth of God's word on their own. I grew up always feeling like I just "married into" Christianity. It was the belief of "my family" therefore I just sort of fell into the mold as well. I questioned my faith the older I got because I wondered if I really believed it, or if I just mimicked what I saw everyone else around me doing and saying. Turns out I really believed it (whew!)! BUT.....it took a few good years & several fights with myself and God to realize that I didn't just adopt the faith of my parents...it was mine because I truly believed it for myself!

I realize that what I'm saying right now may sound very strange, and almost sacrilege to some of you, but it's more of a personal conviction of mine I guess. I just know I struggled tremendously with feeling like I never really chose my faith. I remember trying to "re-save" myself at several revival events growing up because I was never sure if I "really meant it" or not the first 10 times I tried my hand at the ol' sinners prayer. I just want a different experience for my children. I want them to be filled with the truth & then come to the conclusions that I never got to come to on my own because some preacher told me I was going to Hell that very night if I didn't say some "magic words" that were going to save my soul from eternal damnation! I was scared into my "conversion" . Now that I'm grown I see that I didn't truly put my faith in Christ until much later! I was probably well into my adult years before I really grasped and understood what Jesus was to me, and what He did for me.

I don't know what I'm saying here! I think I just want to put down in words what I was thinking, just in case you ever think some of these things too. Really, all I wanted to say was:  It's OK! It's OK to let your children be individuals. It's OK to let God's word sink into their little souls for YEARS before they finally grasp them for themselves. It's OK if your kids mess up...don't we all? It's OK if the little person(s) you are raising looks, acts, and thinks completely differently than you do-God probably did that on purpose too!

*Oh, and it's also OK if you are not feeling so warm and cozy about the fact that your children are probably going to spend the THIRD week in a row off of school going stir-crazy inside your home! It's also OK if you are not so excited that school was canceled today, because you were making plans for how you were going to spend your day off and now you have to wrangle your whole crew for yet another very long day spent indoors! Truth be told, I was sort of wishing my little drama queen, (Maya) was going to be able to play with her friends at preschool for 4 hours today. Oh, well.....guess we will find yet another good movie to watch while we sit on the couch snuggled under our cozy fleece Christmas snuggies! Praise God for those!