To make matters worse, Jonathan's place of employment started their first round of layoffs today & more will be coming tomorrow. The tension is...........thick! One person was let go from Jon's department today & there was only 5 people in his department, so everybody thought they would be spared because they were such a small department. Not so! I hate this! I really hate this! We have been through this kind of job/lay-off tension before & it's horrible. I want so badly to believe that we will be safe now since Jon made it past the first round of lay-offs, but my stomach is just in knots. However, Jonathan and I have talked about all the "what-ifs" and we decided that we can't let this eat at us too much because we have to put out trust in the Lord...not in man. We have been laid-off before & God still provided!
Right now I think I just need some rest, and some time to think & pray about all this. I realized today that I'm having a hard time trusting in the Lord for my needs because it seems like we are always struggling (I can't even have healthy kids for a whole week for craps sake!). I have been fighting those feelings for a long time & just today I was able to admit these feelings to myself...I'm SICK of the struggle! I'm sick of not getting ahead. I'm sick of feeling behind no matter how hard we try to move forward. It honestly feels like there is an invisible wall that pushes us back every step of the way.
I know the main reason I feel this way is because I've never known life to be any different. To say I grew up in a home that "struggled" would be the understatement of the century! Blah, blah, blah....I won't go there right now. However, I recognize this is why I feel the way I do today. I also realize that sitting around wallowing in self-pity won't get me anywhere either, so I get up every day & I march on. But, today I'm tired, emotional, irrational, and I feel defeated. You win some, you lose some. Don't worry....I still believe God is good ALL the time. Even when my emotions get the best of me I still believe that with all my heart! Let's hope tomorrow is a little easier though...
*You might also say a little prayer for my Pediatrician too. Because I'm about to break open a can of whoop-a$$ on them! They've crossed me one to many times in recent days & I'm about to give em' a piece of my mind!
4 comments:
I will be praying for you! I'm sorry it's been such a rough road, but know that you are being refined by the testing of your faith! (James 1:2-4)
theresa
Thanks, Theresa!
Amber I am a few days late, but I will be praying for you too! ANd any time you need to talk or just go sit somewhere...call me! My door is always open for you! Just remember you have a beautiful family and a husband that loves you. What could be better! And I could see you putting the old whoop-a$$ on the pediatrician! You go girl !
JOdi
Let's hang out...I need some adult time after being held hostage with my little sickies!
Oh, and I left my can of whoop-ass at home on Wed, but I packed my "death stare" and used it!!
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