Sick Little White's & Sick of it all :-(

It's late and I should probably be in bed, but it's been a rough day & I needed to ask for your prayer. The three older kids are ALL sick...and I mean SICK! 104+ temps, vomiting, diarrhea, cough, headache, glassy-eyed, can't-get-up-off-the-couch sick. It's been a horrible week & I'm starting to question my ability to even think straight.  I'm emotional, irritable, worn out, worn down, and lacking the desire to do anything but just survive right now. I'm going to haul everyone in to the Dr tomorrow morning, and I know I'm going to get a lecture about how I could have spared my children this misery if I would have given them a thimerasol laced flu-shot back in the fall (whatever!). I now HATE my pediatrician & I'm looking for a new one, but I don't have a new one yet, so I'm kinda left without a better option at the moment.

To make matters worse, Jonathan's place of employment started their first round of layoffs today & more will be coming tomorrow. The tension is...........thick! One person was let go from Jon's department today & there was only 5 people in his department, so everybody thought they would be spared because they were such a small department.  Not so! I hate this! I really hate this! We have been through this kind of job/lay-off tension before & it's horrible. I want so badly to believe that we will be safe now since Jon made it past the first round of lay-offs, but my stomach is just in knots.  However, Jonathan and I have talked about all the "what-ifs" and we decided that we can't let this eat at us too much because we have to put out trust in the Lord...not in man. We have been laid-off before & God still provided! 

Right now I think I just need some rest, and some time to think & pray about all this. I realized today that I'm having a hard time trusting in the Lord for my needs because it seems like we are always struggling (I can't even have healthy kids for a whole week for craps sake!). I have been fighting those feelings for a long time & just today I was able to admit these feelings to myself...I'm SICK of the struggle! I'm sick of not getting ahead. I'm sick of feeling behind no matter how hard we try to move forward. It honestly feels like there is an invisible wall that pushes us back every step of the way. 

I know the main reason I feel this way is because I've never known life to be any different. To say I grew up in a home that "struggled" would be the understatement of the century!  Blah, blah, blah....I won't go there right now. However, I recognize this is why I feel the way I do today.  I also realize that sitting around wallowing in self-pity won't get me anywhere either, so I get up every day & I march on.  But, today I'm tired, emotional, irrational, and I feel defeated. You win some, you lose some.  Don't worry....I still believe God is good ALL the time. Even when my emotions get the best of me I still believe that with all my heart! Let's hope tomorrow is a little easier though... 

*You might also say a little prayer for my Pediatrician too.  Because I'm about to break open a can of whoop-a$$ on them! They've crossed me one to many times in recent days & I'm about to give em' a piece of my mind!