That was then...

The day Chandler Isaiah was born was truly a turning point in my life. For the first time I think I knew what it felt like to feel helpless, afraid, and completely dependent on God's timing in my life. I didn't expect to give birth a month early, and nothing was ready. Not the house (the nursery was not done), not the cars (1 tiny corolla for the whole family), not even ME! I was miserable through my entire pregnancy, and spent most of the time either sick or just plain worn out from caring for McKenna. McKenna was only 10 months old when I got pregnant with Chandler and my body never really got to recover from the first baby before I moved on to the next one. To top things off Jonathan got laid off from Sprint a couple of weeks before I found out I was pregnant! Talk about bad timing!!


But, God had a plan...and it was a good one. You see, I'm a planner. I like to know "what's next". I like to put things into nice little "boxes" and tie them up with pretty bows. Everything about McKenna's birth and babyhood was just how I thought it would be. I didn't have a lot of surprises (outside of my record setting 2 hour birth experience) & things were how I thought they should be. I quit working and Jonathan had a pretty good job, so we didn't have a lot of worries.

Then, along came surprise #1...another baby!! What!! I didn't plan that! THEN, surprise #2...no job! I felt this "time of testing" in our lives, and I resisted it with all my strength. Then, the day of Chandler's birth came. It was not when it should be, and things did not go as planned. I was a complete mess! Chandler had some breathing troubles as soon as he was born (you can see how blue he was in the pictures), and spent his first 5 days of life in the NICU...not in my arms. The first night I spent in the hospital without my baby by my side was rough. The second night was worse. But, the third night I broke! My heart broke, my will broke, and I found something that I will never forget...God's grace. He met me right there in the middle of the night, in a pile of tears, and he gave the most incredible peace I've ever known. Things in my life were not going as I had planned, but they were going according to God's plan.

That night was my turning point. I felt this maturing of myself and my faith happen that night. I was finally quiet enough to hear God's still small voice speaking to me. Then, an amazing thing happened...the phone rang at 2:00 a.m.! It was the nurse who was taking care of Chandler in the NICU. She said Chandler had just done pretty well on room air, so I could come hold him for the first time since his birth! I had no longer cried out to God and asked for something, anything, to help me cope & then he placed this in my lap! I RAN down the hall and into the nursery as fast as my feet could carry me. As I sat holding my son I prayed over him & God did something else...something I didn't experience with McKenna, He gave me a "word" for Chandler. Literally a WORD flashed across my mind while I was holding my son. One word. That's it! I knew it was from the Lord because I was not looking for anything at the time...it just came to me. (*I hope no one thinks I'm getting too weird at this point). I'll keep that one word to myself, because I think it was really only for me to know as his mother. It's been a powerful word to me, one that rings in my ears every so often and reminds me of God's plan for my life.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
* So, that was then. That was how the blessing of Chandler Isaiah came to be. I firmly believe in my heart that nothing about how, and when, Chandler entered the picture was a mistake. I certainly didn't plan it, I didn't know how to cope with the circumstances surrounding his arrival, and I didn't expect to receive a "visit" from God either, but God is good! Since that day I can see God's hand in my life more readily, and appreciate that when things are not going my way, they are going according to God's plan...and there I find my peace :-).
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."
-Proverbs 16:9