This thing called fear.

It's late, I'm sick as a dog with some wicked sinus infection that only gets worse when I try to sleep...so I'm here at the computer, just writing about my thoughts.....


The last week has been full of sleepless nights because I've had a lot on my mind & a LOT has happened that I haven't even had time to write about. For starters, I had a bit of a scare with my unborn child, and then on Friday my grandpa died. As sad as this may sound, I didn't even shed one tear...I just didn't know him. It's as simple as that. It feels a bit wrong & very unsettling to be so ambivalent about his passing, but that's honestly how I felt. It was really hard to know just what to feel when I never knew him. However, that event got me thinking about my life and my legacy.

What do I want to leave behind. How do I want my children & my grandchildren to remember me. What will be the mark I leave on this world that will last. If I'm honest, really honest, these thoughts scare me quite a bit. When I think about what I want to leave behind the task seems daunting. One thing that I desire more than anything else is to raise my children to be "thinkers". I want them to question things they don't understand until they find the answers. I want them to think "outside the box" (as cliche' as that sounds) & be stubborn enough to cling to their passions. I want to model for my children a strong love for God's word & a passion for doing what's right.

However, the reason these things scare me is that I know there is a very heavy price to be paid when you do these things. It's never easy to travel "the road less traveled". BUT...I want my children to know the reward that awaits them when they challenge convention & find the freedom on the other side! I want to teach my children and my children's children to look at this thing called "fear" square in the face & tell it "you don't own me", because that's the only way we win.

Having said all that, I'm struggling with my own battle of sorts right now, and it's so painful! I hate it! Long story short... I feel like God has been leading me down a whole new road with no map to follow. Talk about confusing! It seems like the more I search, the more questions I have. It just doesn't seem fair! On the one hand, I long to fall into that "mold" where things are easy & predictable. On the other hand, it's kind of exciting to be searching out a whole new path. I definitely need a little more direction right now, but that will come...that will come. I just hope I'm brave enough this time to face my fears & not allow them to own me. I don't want that to happen with this one...I want to win this battle even if I'm left with a limp.

The one thing I take comfort in is this: God has never failed me yet! I've been through too much to think that God makes mistakes, or that he leads us down empty roads. When God created me he knew my hearts desires even before I did. He knew I would come to this day & ask these questions. Nothing takes him by surprise. I believe He delights in our questioning, because it only proves that we are using the brains he gave us to think with ;-). For now, I'll have to be patient, because it appears these answers won't come overnight.

I love this song by Kendall Payne. I cried my eyes out tonight when I listened to it because I felt The Lord speaking straight to my heart through these lyrics. It's one of those songs I've heard before, but tonight it just hit me.

I Will Show You Love
- By: Kendall Payne

I will show you love like you’ve never loved before
I will go the distance and back for more if you just say the word

You will come alive again and call the trying times your friend
The pain that you have suffered through will never get the best of you
You will hope in something real that won’t depend on how you feel
When you call my name then I will answer, answer

I am on your side though the wind and waves beat against your faith
You were on my mind when the world was made
Trust in me my child, Trust in me my child

Walk out on the water where you have no control
So scared to death of failure you sacrifice your soul, please let that go

You have climbed an uphill road, You have worn a heavy load
You have cried through endless nights and nearly given up the fight
Watched your dreams like falling stars the heartaches made you who you are
Now looking back you see that I have always been there

Where you gonna hide? Where you gonna hide from Me?
Where you gonna go? Where you gonna go that I can’t see?

I have heard you cry and it breaks my heart for I love you so
I would never lie, this is not the end there is still a hope