4 Is The Loneliest Number.

Now, let me be clear, I LOVE having 4 kids! I would not change anything about my current circumstance....not. one. thing. I really mean that! However, I can't help but notice how isolated having a "big family" can make you feel. I guess I wasn't really prepared for that reality when we found out we were going to have our fourth child. I got a taste of it when we had Maya though. I remember feeling like things made a paradigm shift when we graduated from our second to our third child. Once you go beyond the American standard of 1.5 children you set yourself up to be an outsider in this culture centered around the 4 person family. For the most part, I was OK with that outsider feeling as most of our friends also had 3 kids. It seemed pretty normal to me and my inner circle, so I felt pretty comfortable with the change.

Then came #4! Wow! As much as I tried to prepare myself for all the changes that I thought would happen, I way, WAY underestimated how the mere idea of 4 children would overwhelm OTHER people. In my mind 4 kids was just one more than 3, and I'd already learned to juggle 3 kids pretty well. It wasn't a difficult transition for ME to make, so I guess I thought that's how other people would see it. NOPE! Somehow, when we went from 3 to 4 kids we went from having a "full" family to a HUGE family. What the heck? It was just one more kid! What happened? This is a huge surprise that I'm just now learning to adjust to. I wish someone would have told me to be prepared for this, because I feel completely sideswiped right now.

Yesterday was the perfect example of what I'm going through. I took Judah to the Dr. yesterday and realized the entire front office staff know me as "the mom with all those kids". To be fair, we've been to the doctors office A LOT this month, so maybe it seems like I have the never-ending bevy of children at home. Then, my husband e-mailed me and said he would like to take me out on a date...without children! That should be a given when your husband says he wants to take you out, but it's not in our case! Every "date night" we've had lately has been with Judah in tow. This is because none of the grandparents want to attempt watching "ALL FOUR KIDS.....are you serious?". Yes, they say it just like that! So..............it goes without saying that we WILL NOT be getting a night out (alone) anytime soon. I had to tell my husband "thanks for the thought...that was sweet". Then there was the "Y" experience yesterday. When I enter the gym with all 4 kids I instantly double the nursery workers work load, and they have to pull in an extra staff person to keep a 4-1 worker-to-child ratio. The principal of my kid's school calls my family "job security". Oh, and I'm starting to develop a new "tick" when I hear some stranger at the grocery store utter the famous line....(drum roll please) "You sure have your hands full". Really? Thanks, Mr. stranger, because had you not pointed that out just now for the 1,000,000,000 time I would have never known! Thanks!

But, perhaps the hardest adjustment to having 4 kids is the fact that we no longer get invited over to any one's house because of "big family discrimination" (BFD). I know this because I was once guilty of this practice prior to my "big family" designation. "BFD", goes something like this: "Hey, Honey, let's invite some people over Friday night to hang out. We can invite the Jones family & their two kids, the Smith's (because they don't have any kids yet), and maybe the Brown's and their one kid....I'd love to invite the White's too...but it might get a little chaotic with all those kids! BFD is tough, because it rarely has anything to do with the family or kids in and of themselves. But, let's be honest here, it's tough to enjoy a relaxing evening with friends when the kids rapidly outnumber adults. It usually does end in chaos, and that is precisely the reason large families don't get invited many places. Even when things go well, any event that involves several families with lots of kids is never "relaxing". I fully understand the dynamics of BFD, & I can't say I blame anyone for the practice either. It makes complete sense...it just SUCKS when you are the one on the other end of it. It's just one of those things that's a part of life when you have a bigger family & I'm just not used to it yet.

To put a silver lining on all of this, I will say Jonathan and I have gotten absolutely, stunningly flawless at working together. It's amazing to me how we work like a well-oiled machine these days. We have conquered all of our fears about going out as a family & we regularly take all the kids out in public and usually have a great experience. We've learned the art of give and take & we both get to eat hot food most of the time & even truly enjoy spending time together as a family. I love being in a new place with my kids where I feel like I'm not just "feeding and wiping butts" all the time, but really having FUN with them! I love this new place, I just wish the size of my family didn't seem so intimidating to everyone else.

Because of the intimidation factor I still feel like I'm out on my own personal island much of the time. I'm such a social person, and I miss having contact with the outside world. I really don't know how to "fix" this new situation either. To be honest, I don't think there is really a "fix", it's something that I'm going to have to get used to I guess. I'm sure things will change as time goes on. Kids will get older, new friends will be made, and independence will be had once again. But for now, I guess I'll have to stay in the trenches of motherhood and hunker down for one more day.
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*{Disclaimer}*
This post was not meant to be guilt inducing to any family or friends. I'm not sending subtle messages via my blog. If I had a problem with you personally, I would let ya know ;-). These are just my thoughts and feelings & I like to write about them openly and honestly. I use my blog as a way to journal my thoughts and feelings about raising my family & what that entails. I accept these feelings as quite normal for my place in life & I embrace them. They are the very thing that makes me stronger, more compassionate, and more willing to empathize with mothers from all walks of life. Do not read this as a "pity party" post. I want to be honest here (because this is my blog) and own my feelings without having others think I'm trying to place blame. I love my family more than anything, and I would not exchange the company of more friends for the deep enduring bonds of family.