My random stream-of-consciousness thoughts for today.

I'm tired. So, very, very tired. I'm tired of puke & diarrhea. I'm tired of washing sheets, and blankets, and towels, and PJ's, and then having to wash everything all over again. I'm so tired of being tired. I can't seem to remember what normal feels like anymore. I have a clingy, whiny baby that cries all day & wants to be held non-stop & because of this I get nothing done. Nothing! Why won't this kid sleep?? He is not a lover of sleep...but that is mostly my fault....it's my genes...he comes by that one honestly. I'm trying to be patient with this phase, really I am. I know that this time will pass all too quickly & one day I'll be saying "I miss those days when my baby wanted me to hold him all the time". So....I hold him & I sit at the computer and type blog posts while he sits on my lap and bangs the keyboard with his bottle. It's what I do to feel productive when I know I can't really do much that is actually productive.

My house is cluttered. I don't do well with clutter. I hate clutter. It drives me to the brink of insanity & then somewhere in my mind I come to the conclusion that the only way to solve my clutter problem is to burn the house down and start all over. Brilliant...right? I'm the problem solver in the family. It's a gift.

I ate pizza and Mountain Dew for lunch yesterday and today.  I also made the Pioneer Woman apple dumplings last night...they were wonderful, and fattening, and horribly, disgustingly bad for me...and I ate them anyway. It's part of the healthy eating plan I've been on. Did I not mention that? Yeah, I've been trying to eat much, much healthier this year & I've lost....nothing! Nothing...that's encouraging, isn't it? So, when my entire house came down with this wicked flu, I said "screw it" and went on a shopping trip that included fruits & veggies for my husband, juice and crackers for the sickies, and pop-tarts, and apple dumpling ingredients for myself.....because I'm eating healthy this year.

I want to move. I want to move so bad. If I could loathe this city any more it would be a sin, so I just try to despise it with all my heart most of the time. There is just something about this city. It's like, this is where people come to die. People who were formerly happy somewhere else come here...and then they die. It's a charming city like that. It's puts us right there on the map with those cozy little New England ski villages, and the sunny, fun-loving west coast towns where a "bad" day is one where it's cloudy for a few hours. Yeah, so come visit KC...where people come to kill their dreams! I don't think the city will post that on the welcome signs, but they might as well. I'm grumpy. And I want to move...but I think I already mentioned that.

I think I need some sun. And maybe a nice long run to go with that sunshine. Sleep probably wouldn't hurt either. If I got everything I wanted I might also ask for a WHOLE weekend away with my husband, instead of just the 20 hours we got to celebrate our 10 anniversary. Most people go on cruises, or take a nice vacation for such and occasion.  However, when you have 4 kids people think your asking for too much if you ask for 2 hours, so we really had it good when we got 20 hours!. I want to rip people a new one when they complain about "only" getting a weekend away with their husband. "Only"....really? I can't even go out on a date with my husband without the grandparents asking "so how long do you think this is gonna take".

  I just realized that every single last thing in this "stream-of-consciousness" post is negative. Yep. I'm not feeling ubber positive today, and I'm OK with that. I can't blow sunshine out my woo hoo all the time, that would get on my nerves real quick.  I promise I'll try a little harder to highlight a positive thing or two the next time I do one of these. I did sign up for a race the other day, so as soon as I can return to civilization with my germy kids I'm going to get back to the gym & run my little heart out. I'd say "run my butt off", but I think I already mentioned how well the weight loss efforts have been working out for me so far.

Well, two kids just pooped in their underwear at this VERY moment. No, I'm not kidding........gotta go!

Maya goes to the ER.

We knew the day would come. We knew it from the moment she was just 7 months old and pulled herself up to standing just so she could get at her older brother and pull his hair. We knew this day was coming! To be honest, I can't believe Maya survived over 4 years before her and her brother came to this place! But, it finally happened last weekend. After a wild game of  "Ninja Warriors",  Maya finally learned that her older brother that outweighs her by more than 20 pounds, and towers over her by almost a foot, is in fact, stronger than her! Really, I'm not sure that she got that message before last weekend! However, after just one calculated  mighty ninja shove/kick from her much older, much stronger brother, she got the message!

I wasn't in the room (because I was trying to get ready for our Valentine's date night that never happened), but I heard the dull "thump" when her head hit the dining room chair. To be honest, I didn't think much of it at first because this is a daily ritual that Maya and Chandler go through. The crying ensued, & I began to lecture on the many valid reasons why "we don't ninja thump kick our siblings". I then tried to send Maya to the couch to watch her  favorite "babysitter" Barbie Fairytopia  DVD (so I could finish getting ready), but as I turned to walk away I heard McKenna gasp & Maya say "Uh-oh....it's a lot of blood!".

It was at that moment in time when I learned two very important things: 1) Head wounds bleed A LOT, and 2) When you have 4 small children it's always a good idea to keep first aid supplies replenished.  With no gauze, peroxide, or other important first aid supplies handy, I just scooped her up and ran to the bathtub.  I quickly got her undressed and into the tub so that I could rinse all the blood out of her hair & try to find the source of all the bleeding. The tub water instantly turned pink from all the blood & I was sure I was going to find a much larger gash than what I actually discovered. When we got the bleeding to slow down I discovered that the wound was smaller than I had anticipated (did I mention that head wounds bleed A LOT!). At first I thought "oh, good...maybe we won't need stitches after all", but after waiting several hours in vain for the bleeding to stop for good,  we gave up and decided that little miss had just earned herself her first trip to the ER!

I'll stop my story there, because the rest is just boring & involves 6 freaking hours of  losing my mind with a restless 4 year old who was climbing all over the germ-filled floors of the ER waiting. Yes, we waited for 6 hours in the ER for 3 small stitches! Can't wait to get my $1000 bill for that! However, I think after this last ER experience I'm going to start a facebook fan page called "I think you should get a huge discount on your ER bill if you have to wait 6 hours to be seen!". I'm pretty sure I'll get 1 million fans overnight!


Here are some pictures of our ER adventure!

Just chillin'. Watching a little National Geographic channel, followed by the late night edition of the winter Olympics. We caught the whole thing since we were there for 6 hours (did I already mention that?)!

The nurse wrapped this gauze around her head to keep the numbing gel in place, & because Maya was freaking out every time she turned over on her pillow and got blood on the pillow case. Once she was all numb she fell right to sleep. Poor baby!

After the traumatic stitches were through! She woke up as soon as the Dr. started the stitches & it took three adults to hold her down! Not a fun thing to wake up to I'm sure!

Look....she's still my baby!

WARNING! Head wound picture!

(It's really not bad at all...but some people have a weak stomach!)

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See.... just a tiny little 1/2 inch gash. Could have been worse!

Washed By The Water

Washed By The Water

by NeedToBreathe, Album: The Heat

Daddy was a preacher
She was his wife
Just tryin to make the world a little better
You know, shine a light
People started talking
Trying to hear their own voice
Those people tried to accuse my father
Said he made the wrong choice
Though it might be painful
You know that time will always tell
Those people have long since gone
My father never failed

Even when the rain falls
Even when the floods start rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

Even when the Earth crumbles under my feet
Even when the ones I love turn around and crucify me
I won't never ever let you down
I won't fall
I won't fall
I won't fall as long as you're around me

Even when the rain falls
Even when the floods start rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water

*So, here is the story....I kinda love this song!  It speaks something to my soul that stirs so much emotion in me that I can't help but throw my hands up in the air & sing right along with it! Because, you know what?  Even when the rain falls... even when the floods start rising...even when the storm comes... I am washed by the water!  Amen!! 

I love that something as simple as a song on the radio can be God's way of saying to me "I see you, Amber".  The truth of the matter is this: My Daddy was a preacher & I know JUST what the author of this song is talking about. My family and I have in fact, "been crucified by the ones we love" .  It was horrific & nothing but evil! But...you know what? I'm still here! I'm still here, and I still believe with all my heart that God is good.  What my family lived through during those years "in the ministry" was nothing short of  pure Hell. On. Earth.   There is no other way to describe watching in horror as "Church Leaders" show up at your house on a sunny Saturday afternoon to "remove" your father from his ministry position in the Church  because some ugly lie was spread about him & it infected the whole congregation. All I saw from that scenario was that Christian "leaders" do and say some of the most awful, hurtful things to their very own!  The things I saw fellow Christians say and do....they were things that should NEVER be said or done! It was sad...it was heart wrenching...it was wrong, and it separated the lives and friendships of so many wonderful people who should have never been separated.  It's very hard for me to recall much of those days with "fond" memories, but thank God I have a few precious gems that made it through that fire! 

That's one of the hardest things I've struggled with throughout my walk with Christ. From the time I was a very little girl I saw the most wicked things done to my family at the hands of  "The Church", which made me not so fond of  "The Church" (or at least what I thought the Church was).  I saw my parents sacrifice so much of their lives for people who betrayed them & threw them out  like yesterday's garbage!  In the end it made me more than just a little bitter. I didn't understand it then, and I still don't understand it now. But, the one thing I do know is this:  What I witnessed during those times of  great sadness and suffering  was not  "The Church" .   That wasn't what Jesus called believers to do. Jesus doesn't hurt like that! Jesus doesn't turn around and crucify you when you don't expect it. Jesus doesn't betray like that!  

That's why I love that the message of this song is that  we can let those "storms" in our lives wash us....cleanse us...change us... uncover the beauty that's hiding under all the layers of pain! When I grew up and left home I had two choices I could make :  #1) Be done with Christians who seemed to do nothing but hurt each other, or #2) Believe that Jesus doesn't hurt like that, and search for that kind of  fellowship. I chose #2!  ;-) Praise God for His faithfulness!

I've decided to come out of the shadows a little, and open up about what is going on inside my head these days.  I've eluded to these thoughts quite a bit, but I don't want to be elusive anymore...I want to come right out and say more of what I'm thinking!  I know I need to be careful in how I portray my point of view though, which is why I have not always laid things out in black and white, and just said what was really on my mind. However, I'm on a quest to be authentic this year in regards to what I post on my blog.  Part of that desire to be "real" (or authentic) stems from my new found passion to seek out Jesus for who he really is...not who I was taught to think He is within the  walls of organized religion. But, let me be clear...this is my journey. What I say is mine & mine alone! I don't think you have to think the same things as me to be "right".  I won't crucify anyone for respectfully disagreeing with me either. There's enough room in this boat for everyone! So, sit back over the next couple of months and talk with me about what's on your mind & what in your heart.  I've got a lot of stuff swirling around in this head of mine & I'm about to let it out...carefully of course!

Balance!

This cute little man has surprised me lately with a special little talent. He doesn't even know he has this "talent" yet. In fact, he may never really know about this unique gift he possesses but it will always be special to me!

You see, Judah has become the great "equalizer" in our family.  He is our Luke Skywalker. The one that brings balance to the force.The last piece to the puzzle. The one that makes us all complete!

He gets right in there with his older siblings without realizing that he is much too little to be doing what they are doing.  It's as if he doesn't even realize that he is still a baby.

He makes sure everyone feels loved!

He is everyone's playmate and friend!

He even let's the older kids have a laugh at his expense!

He sends them off to school feeling loved!

He never forgets to say goodbye!

He even reads them a bedtime story! Yes, this little baby boy is what was missing from our family all along! I don't know how we ever managed without him!

10 years adds a little perspective.

I've been thinking a lot about what I wanted to say for my "10 Year Anniversary" post. However, I came to the conclusion that I don't really have anything profound to say, which is why I've been putting off doing a blog post about it (how's that for honesty?).

The truth is, this last decade has been the biggest, most life-changing, defining time in my entire life. Even if I live to be 100 I don't know if another decade will shape my life as profoundly as these past 10 years have. I mean, I DID get married & have all 4 of my children in the last 10 years, so that was pretty life-changing! I'm sure I have MANY more adventures on the horizon, but probably nothing quite like the first 10 years of my marriage. I'm also not naive enough to believe that I've somehow "arrived" and have things figured out either! I've still got a lifetime of learning to do!

What I do know is this; "Life never slows down or stops, it just ebbs and flows like the oceans tide". That's one of the biggest things I've learned over the last decade. I guess that's not very profound, but it's where I'm at right now.  For the longest time I kept thinking things will get easier when.... but that "when" never came! I learned to make things happen if I really, really wanted them!  I also learned that the things you want to keep, you have to fight for! Nothing is free...ever! Except for the grace of God...but that goes without saying ;-).

 These last 10 years weren't full of happy clouds and joyous singing all the time either! I went through a lot of crap that I'm happy to see gone & I hope and pray that I never have to experience those things ever again! The real truth of the matter is this: I lost a baby due to miscarriage, & that hurt me terribly. I felt the sting of rejection from close friends, and I cried. I walked down a very lonely road of discontentment and depression. I dealt with a very tough learning disability diagnosis in one of my children, and I was angry and frustrated & blamed myself for things that were out of my control.  I felt hurt and disappointed, and I tried to run away from God because I was angry. At my lowest point I even dared to speak the "D" word when my marriage got tough...but those are not the sorts of things that most people talk about are they?

But, you know what? I think we need to talk about those things from time to time. Life isn't easy & it doesn't get any easier. If we go around pretending to be "fantastic" all of the time & don't deal with these sorts of things, then what does that say about us? I could have just told you all that I just celebrated my 10 year anniversary with my wonderful husband who I am crazy in love with & left it at that. It's true too! My husband is wonderful & we are very much in love, so why talk about all the other stuff? Well, I think I'm just trying to keep it real, peeps! Sometimes that's hard to do when you are sitting behind a computer screen & you can create this artificial lens that you want people to see you through. Sometimes, I read what I write on here and think to myself: "Well, that smells a little bit like rosey poo doesn't it?".

I've said it before, and I'll say it again...the one thing I admire most in a person is honesty! So, I guess it would behoove me to keep it real with myself as well! The real truth is, I'm really doing this whole blogging thing for me & my family. The fact that I'm putting it out there for the rest of the world to read just keeps me in line (OK...OK...and it's kinda fun to share some of this stuff with you all!).  If I'm gonna take the time to write out my feelings and talk about my memories, then I better be real about what I'm saying and what I'm feeling!

OK. Enough with all that "keeping it real" crap! I promise I won't put you through that too often ;-) In the spirit of more traditional blog posts, I give you:

My Ten Year, Top 10!

(My 10 reasons why being married this long is awesome! aka "The first 10 things that popped into my head about being married for the last 10 years" )

1.) I no longer feel embarrassed when I "let one loose".  After all the other things my husband has seen me through...that one just doesn't seem to compare anymore.

2.) He finally knows a few of my favorite things!

3.) We really do appreciate the little things more and more.

4.) He can "speak for me"...and most of the time he is right on!

5.) We fight a LOT less than we used to.

6.) "Desperation is the mother of creativity"...and we have become pretty creative people ;-)

7.) He tells me I'm beautiful all the time! Despite the fact that I've had 4 babies, bare the marks of one who has had 4 babies, am reaching "that age" when things start to slide to the south and wrinkle, and I regularly get into cat fights with my jeans. Yes, despite all of that he still tells me I'm beautiful!  

8.) We still like each other! No, really...that's a big one! There are plenty of married folks who don't appear to like each other very much. We still enjoy each other & can't wait to be together every day.

9.) We keep our mouth shut when we are supposed to! You know, not every little thing should be shared with ones mate...and we have finally learned this fine art of common sense communication. It's a thing of beauty, really!

10.) Yes.....it only gets better! (I'll leave the "it" open to interpretation...but I definitely mean one specific thing!)