Cover Me.

I have had several different things I wanted to blog about, but tonight I have one specific thing on my heart that I wanted to write out while it's still fresh. It would be an understatement to say that I've been in a funk for quite some time. I seem to have this constant fuzziness that blurs my thoughts & even my feelings lately, so I was very hesitant to do much posting on my blog. However, I think I'm getting down to the bottom of my "funk" and if I'm being really honest I think it is a bit of depression mixed with a longing to see what God has for me on the other side of this seemingly endless "rough patch". Most of this is just rambling....but it's a bit cathartic for me to do this from time to time, so skip this post if you must...it's really just for me :-)

Recently I spent several weeks with a freakishly weird bacterial infection that ultimately ended in a surgery to remove my right thumb nail. During that time of illness I had a couple of tense days where I had to wait on test results that were to determine if my swollen lymph nodes, neuropathy, and elevated calcium levels were a result of an infection, or possibly a cancer (no, I didn't let my extended family in on that possibility)! Yep...that was not my most peaceful week of sleep that's for sure! Those weeks of weakness and waiting caused me to do a lot of  reflecting on my life...where I've come from...and where I'm at now. Upon doing all this "reflecting" what I ultimately discovered was that I have a lot of brokenness that I was trying to cover up with a happy smile & a good dose of avoidance. A lot of  my brokenness stemmed from disappointments & dashed dreams. Things I'd hoped would blossom into great opportunities that ended up fading into the distance. Friendships I held dear suddenly disappeared before my very eyes. Opportunities lost because of circumstance. I also realized a still had a lot of hurt and anger bubbling under my brokenness. I really thought I was done with the pain...but it surprised me when it reared it's ugly head again. I took those weeks of reflecting  to address those issues because I could see a lot of  brokenness that needed to be removed and then covered from further damage.

As I waded through a sea of emotions during those weeks of physical healing, I pondered the irony between my bandaged thumb & the condition of my heart. As I looked at the giant covering over my battered & broken thumb, I was reminded of the importance of bandages and "coverings". The whole purpose of a covering/bandage after surgery is to prevent injury or further infection from getting in while the fresh wound heals.  I thought a lot about the healing that was taking place under my bandage that week, and I knew the scars I was going to be left with were going to be quite ugly for some time, but I was SO relieved to be rid of the infection that I didn't care about the scars it left behind. Even though it was evident I was "broken" for a time I was OK with that, because what I cared more about was getting rid of the root of the pain for good! It was because of that covering over my thumb that I was protected from the pain and injury from the outside world during the most crucial time of my recovery. Without that covering I would have been in unimaginable pain during those early days.

If I'm being honest, I think I can say without a doubt that the things in my life that have caused me the most pain have often times found their way to my doorstep because I've allowed myself think that I didn't need Jesus's covering over my life. I've failed to see the significance of my faith in relation to my every day thought life (stupid...I know). I've gone weeks and months without praying about things or reading my Bible & I flip on the old "auto-pilot" switch when troubles arise. I think too much depends on ME & I fail to recognize that I have a creator that knows me better than I know myself. I've even tried to cling to friendships that were unhealthy because I reasoned that they were "all I have left". Never giving God much of a chance to reveal a new & significantly better plan for my life. I assume too quickly that "all hope is lost" when things don't happen on my timeline. When I look back on the way I have behaved in the midst of all those things that led up to my broken heart it would appear that I was functioning as though I had no hope at all. No savior that would pave a better way for me..no trust in the one thing that I profess to be the cornerstone of my life! Talk about a reality check! But, man...did I need it!

Really, the purpose for this post is for my family. Sometimes I write what I do so that when my children read this years from now they will have a little bit of insight into what I was thinking or feeling along the way. I'm learning as I go, and I want them to know that I by no means think I have it all figured out. I hope that anything I have to say right here brings them hope, or even comfort, because unfortunately they suffer and hurt right along with me sometimes too. :-(

 So here it is...my family is hurting because we have lost some of our closest friends and it hurts! What I've been telling myself is that God is clearing the path for HIS plan to take shape in my life, and HIS plan is going to be so much better than anything I could ever think of for myself. Some days that really feels comforting, other days I want to examine what is wrong with ME (again with the "auto-pilot" syndrome!) that someone I was so close to would just drop me like a bad habit overnight with no explanation. What's worse is my children are suffering with us this time, and it breaks my heart. Even if it is for our own good...even if God is moving us on to better things...it still hurts to see your children hurt!

 Chandler recently had a birthday & he wanted so badly for his little friends to come to his party, but Jon and I knew that wasn't going to happen. We finally had to tell the kids we didn't know if they were going to be able to see or play with their old friends again & that was a pretty painful conversation. They wanted answers...they wanted to know why & we felt horrible when we had to tell them honestly; "we don't know why"! I really just wanted to blame myself here so that my kids didn't have to be left with...nothing! Because the worst part of all of this is NOT KNOWING why this happened to us. It's made Jon and I examine everything about ourselves (which hasn't been altogether a bad thing!) to see if there is something we are missing: are we bad people,  are we rude,  presumptuous, obnoxious, oblivious, do we have bad breath, are we selfish, stupid, do we not watch our kids close enough, do we need to do more for our friends...be more available, did we overstay our welcome all the time, did we call too much...too little, are we offensive, ugly,  weird, inconsiderate...do we smell??? We've examined most of the possibilities & yes, even directly asked/begged for some answers, but in the end we were given nothing. So, onward we must move into our future that will (God-willing) hold another beautiful, and once again precious friendship. But, for now we wait & pray that God will place a healing covering over the wounds that are still fresh. Ultimately I know God will heal this hurt, but I am so impatient that it's hard to keep that perspective in the midst of sad little faces, and broken hearts.

One wonderful little ray of sunshine is the fact that after having processed all of my feelings I actually feel quite...free! I actually still have wonderful memories of our times spent with these friends & I wouldn't change that for anything in this world! We raised our kids together for quite some time, they were the first people we told each time we were pregnant. We spent holiday's and many birthday's together, we cried together, laughed together, and held each other up during hard times. I have picture books filled with the wonderful times we shared with them & when I look back on all of those memories I still smile because those were wonderful times. Even though I know I won't get to share those times with them any longer, I wouldn't take a second of our friendship back...not one second! When I look back, those were some of the best times of my life & I will cherish them always. I have so many wonderful memories with these friends & I'm trying to focus on that right now.  I may be powerless to change the decision they have made & the road our friendship has now taken, but that will never change the way I feel about the great times we shared together.

I've also not excluded the possibility that maybe I did do something wrong. I'm really trying hard to let go of the fact that I will never get an answer to this one! Maybe I could be a better friend next time. I know I'm certainly not perfect! Because we have nothing to go on, I took the opportunity to examine areas of my life that could use some "fine-tuning"  and noted areas of weakness and selfishness I see in myself that I need to work on to be more healthy in future friendships. Looking back I think I may have taken for granted the hospitality and generosity of our friends & not stepped up to the plate near enough. So, these days I'm making a very conscious effort to be more open and generous with my time, talents, and treasures. I'm certainly not perfect, but I'm trying to operate under the mentality that the more I am able to give of myself the more I will be blessed in return.  Nothing can replace the treasure of a close friend, and I truly pray that what the Lord has allowed to be taken away, He will surely give back 10 fold in His time!

*I LOVE this song by Bebo Norman called "Cover Me". I've spent a lot of time meditating on these words & praying that the Lord would indeed "Cover" my family while we all move forward. Now that I'm about to hit "publish post" button I realize that I'm letting the rest of the world see my  brokenness in the full light of day & while that's a little scary, it's also quite liberating. This weakness I'm feeling right now WILL be replaced with new growth & beautiful healing in the end. For now I'll let my broken heart rest under the protective covering that is my saviors love for me. Praise God for HIS covering!

Cover me, cover up my tears
Cover up this man who's covered up in fear
I need a peace of mind, I need a piece of you
TO cover all that's gone and everything that's new
You unveil me with your mercy
I want to breathe you in
You unfold me, then you hold me

Cover up my heart, cover up my soul
Cover up this world and everything I know
You cover up the sky, you cover up the sea
Cover up the mountains and every part of me
Everything single breath I breathe...cover me

I am still alive and covered up in years 

Covered up in lines as innocence appears
So give me a peace of mind, give me a piece of you
To cover all that's old with everything that's new
You unveil me with your mercy
I want to breathe you in
And you unfold me, then you hold me
 

Cover up my heart, cover up my soul
Cover up this world and everything I know
You cover up the sky, you cover up the sea
Cover up the mountains and every part of me
Everything single breath I breathe...cover me

You unveil me with your mercy
I want to breathe you in
You unfold me then you hold me

I want to shed this skin 

You unveil me with your mercy
You unfold me, then you hold me
You unbreak me, would you take me home