What the what???

Even if I tried to make up the last couple of months & the events that have surrounded me I don't think I could come up with some of this crazy stuff on my own. Stranger than fiction...that's my life right now. The ups, the downs, the sickness, the sudden job changes, the CHANGES period!  Whew! I'm exhausted!

Yep, if I've learned anything in the last couple of months it's that change isn't just part of life...it IS my life right now. I've given up on making any concrete plans for the time being. If you ask me to make plans with you for anytime "in the future" don't be surprised if I stare at you blankly & and momentarily lose consciousness. Lately, anytime my brain has tried to process anything but pure survival for myself and my family I feel like I start to overheat & shut down. Maybe it's all the sickness talking, but man do I feel out of sorts!

I'm sure I'll find a new normal sometime soon, but right now I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel on a road to nowhere. I'm working really, really hard to GET SOMEWHERE, but I'm pretty sure I'm not actually moving forward quite yet. But let me tell you, when I DO get to going somewhere it's gonna be good. Because lord knows I'm working my booty off to see something good happen!

Here is a rundown of just the last month. I'll put it in a shortened "bullet" format, because if I went into all the details it would be a novel.

• Dec 31st - Jon gets sick. We try to celebrate the New Year, but he is just plain sick & we call it a night as soon as midnight strikes.
• Jan - Jon's job is getting miserable. I worry about my husbands well being because of his work situation. Pure misery.
• Jan 14th McKenna is sick..just a fever, but she is sick enough to miss school for a day.
• Jan 15 - I accept a full time job offer.
• Jan 21 - Maya gets sick...really sick. Misses an entire week of school.
• Jan 24th - Jon's boss fires him. No reason. Oh, and he calls it putting him "on notice" instead of "firing" him (Which we learn is a big, messed up, legal way of trying to screw him on the way out the door). 
• Jan 28th - I start my full time hours. I get sick. I muscle through, but I'm miserable.
• Jan 29th - 13th anniversary. I'm sick. Jon gets sick again. We've been here before. Blah! 
• Jan 31st -Chandler has a full on meltdown at school. It's been a long time since we had one of these & I get a frantic call from the vice principal saying I need to come get him right away! Another reminder that autism never goes away, not even when you are trying your best to manage things the best way you know how. I cry in the shower because that's the only place I can find any solitude. My heart aches for my sweet boy. I wake up the next morning with more determination than ever to change our situation. We need to get him to a new school...which is why I'm working full time! I can do this!
• Feb 5th - the preschool calls me...Judah is running a fever, we need to come get him. The fever lasts for 24 hours & goes away. We figure it was just a small virus.
• Feb 8th - Maya pukes at school. I get the call at work that we need to come get her.
• Feb 11th - Jon officially resigns (yes, he worked for a few weeks while "on notice"). I said it was a long story......  I have a mini breakdown at work. The events of the last 2 weeks feel so heavy!
• Feb 12th- Maya is still sick, and now I get a call from the preschool saying Judah just puked! I fight the urge to cry at work for two days in a row. Thankfully, I keep it together.
• *Somewhere in there I was trying to figure out if I should even be trying to work full time. A dark feeling of complete hopelessness overcomes me. It would seem that the forces of nature were trying to make the possibility of working full time a complete and total disaster. I even try to entertain thoughts of finding another part time job because the stress of figuring out how to arrange care for my sick kids is proving to be a very bad thing for my mental well being. 
• Feb 13th, Jon has a new job offer! We are making it through the dark, dark tunnel. Now we need everyone to get well, and stay well. 
• Now....if I could just find someone to watch my kids for 15 min every school morning then I can keep my full time job! Oh, the joys of being a working mom!

So, there is the last month in a nutshell. The only reason I'm even bothering to write all this out isn't to make anyone feel sorry for me, or even to garner any extra sympathy. Basically I want you all to know that if you are feeling frustrated with me because I've been hard to get a hold of ^^^^all of that is why!  I'm confident that "this too shall pass". I know that the hard times don't last forever, but I very much feel like I'm operating in complete and total survival mode right now. I was just telling my boss the other day that I feel like no one at my work has seen the best version of me yet & I hate that! I want to get back to a place of peace again where things don't feel so out of control all the time. 

I'd love to say that I'm staying positive, but that would be a lie. And...I think it's pretty apparent that I'm not blowing rainbows & sunshine out my rear end right now either. However, when I have allowed myself to suspend my crazy thoughts for long enough to take stock of what really matters I can clearly see that I truly am still a blessed woman. 

I have a beautiful husband that just spent the last week staying home every day with our sick kids. He hasn't had more than one or two days off of work in the last 18 months, and for the first time in a LONG time he was going to enjoy a little break between jobs, but he ended up pulling sick kid duty all week so I could keep my job! My family is the only reason I have been able to even survive for the last month. The grandparents have taken turns watching my sick kids & taking Judah to preschool two days a week. Without them I would have had no other choice but to wave the white flag & surrender my job because I wouldn't have been able to work at all for the last three weeks solid.  My poor mom even got sick after she took care of my puking kid last week (sorry grandma!!).  Now, that's love!

While this may not be me at my best, this is me surviving some pretty rough stuff and being carried along the way by some pretty amazing people. If I have to put a silver lining around the crap I just bullet listed above that's what it would be. If this was some sort of test to see if I could survive the rigors of the working mom world, I hope I passed the test and can move on now! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger....right?

Are you ready for this?

Yesterday when I picked Judah up from the sitter I wrote out a check with a new amount on it & I stared at the check for a minute before I handed it to her. She looked at me and said: "So, are you ready for this?".  Today, when I dropped Judah off at Preschool his teacher said: "So, next week is the week...are you ready for it?". Later on this morning, when I had to call my dentist to reschedule my appointment today & I struggled with how and when to fit in something as simple as a dental cleaning into my schedule the secretary (that has known me for the last 9 years) said: "Oh, that's right, next week is the week...are you ready?".

To all of those people I gave the same answer: a resounding "NO". I don't think anyone was ready for me to say anything but "yes", because that's what you are supposed to say when someone asks you a quick question in passing. But, the truth is, I have this huge change coming up & everyone knows I'm the kind of person that is ALWAYS ready...so they expect me to say, "yep...I'm ready". But, this time it's not so much about getting ready, because honestly I am ready. This time, it really has more to do with letting go of my old vision for the future & recreating a new vision with a new plan. This time, I'm in uncharted waters & I don't know my way.  That's never a place where I feel very comfortable, but I'm learning that in life when you want a different outcome, you have to go places you've never been. So, next week I'm putting on a new "hat" called the "Full-time working mom" hat & folks...it's gonna be a new adventure alright!

For most of my adult life I've primarily been one thing, and one thing only. I was always a "stay at home mom", maybe even the only "stay at home mom" that some of my friends even knew. So, the fact that I am now changing roles is kinda rocking more than just MY world!  I was always the one who you knew would be at home, would have the time to do this or that for you, and the fact that I will not be available in the same ways I used to be is a huge adjustment for everyone (myself included).

The reasons I stayed at home for 10 years were multifaceted, but the main reason was because I had a strong desire to be with my kids and be their main caretaker. It's a role I cherished & one that I wish I would have treasured just a little more now that it appears those days are part of my sweet & precious past. I don't regret anything about staying home for 10+ years & I'm proud that I can say I did that & loved it! Those will always be years that I look back on & can honestly say that the sacrifices we made in order for me to stay at home were worth it.

The reasons why I am now changing roles are also multifaceted, but let's be honest....we are are in a recession, people!   In the wise words of Bob Dylan: "The times they are a changin' ". Yup, that's never been more true in the White house than it is right now, because everything that "used to be" around here pretty much is no longer.  But, that's not necessarily a bad thing. Changes happen, and times, they do change & we change with them. So, that's what's going on in my life. I'm learning to do more with less time, & "no" I don't have that one mastered just yet either!

If I've proven anything to myself in the last decade it would be that I am confident in my ability to cope very well when times change. Did I anticipate that this was the way, or even the exact time that I thought I would be making these life changes? Nope! Not at all! But, there just comes a time when you have to decide what changes need to happen in your life in order to move things forward.  For us, changing course seemed to be a logical next step to get things moving in a forward direction again. So, we picked up one proverbial foot & put it in front of the other. Heck, I don't even know what the next step is supposed to be after this one, but I'll figure that one out as I go too!

I will say that this "move forward" has not been without it's growing pains that's for sure! I feel like I've been in a bit of mourning this past week. There is a price to be paid for every choice we make & I knew that going into all of this, but I thought I was ready because I didn't think "that much" would change at first. Then, I realized that right off the bat Judah may not be able to go to his Tue/Thur preschool program any longer because finding someone who can pick him up from his babysitters house (who lives ONE street over from the Church/preschool) may not be as simple as I thought! Ugh! That's the first time I learned that when you are a full time working mom E-V-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G is more complicated. The very simplest of arrangements can become so complicated when you can't be there to do them. Preschool was a big deal to me & the fact that something so simple has become SO difficult was a tough one for me to swallow. But, as I said before...I'm a cope-er, so I'm sure I'll figure this one out too.

My hope is that the payoff for this sacrifice will be worth it.  We sacrificed a great deal so that I could stay at home for those 10 years & I know in my heart that was the right choice for us. I feel like making the choice to go back to work full time right now is also a good choice, but I wouldn't call it an "easy" one. Because, let's be honest, there is no easy answer when you are stuck between the two places I am at.

The long story short here is this: Am I ready for all these changes? No...but I'll get ready! I'll roll with the changes & I'll do what I do best...I'll cope. I've got a lot of learning to do & I know I'm going to make mistakes (both at work & at home), but I'll learn from those mistakes and move forward some more. Hopefully in another year or so I'll be able to say I've charted a small territory of these new waters & can find my way around a little bit. At least for now that's the plan...

It's true.....

First, let's all take a moment to get over our shock and disbelief that I'm actually doing a blog post again........whew! Hope you didn't need the smelling salts to wake you back up after that. I know the shock of seeing a new blog post after my 5 year hiatus is something that will take some time to recover from, but you will get there eventually!

The truth is, I miss my blog. I miss keeping a journal of my little adventures with my family & recording my thoughts and feelings as we move through this thing called "life".  So, I decided to start off 2013 with a new goal to take time for the things that matter & this one matters! It also helps that I finally have a phone that will make things like posting pictures on my blog something relatively painless now.